Sunday, March 7, 2010
you wont be lonely, even if the sky is falling down
love vs. hate, loyalty vs. jealousy, empathy vs. envy... these were the battles going on in my head every second of everyday. thats what i was struggling with whenever i encountered anyone - family, friends, nurses, doctors, therapists, strangers, EVERYONE. instead of loving them for being there, i was hating them for their ability to talk to me. instead of feeling a sense of loyalty to them for staying by my side, i was jealous of them for being able to walk into my room. instead of empathizing with their problems, i envied them for having normal problems. these feelings didnt spare anyone. if youre reading this, chances are, i hated you too. these feelings would eventually go away, after considerable mental effort on my part to help the good feelings overcome the bad. sometimes it would take seconds, minutes, hours, sometimes days. part of me did genuinely love everyone around me, but part of me did hate them for being so normal and by merely existing, they reminded me how alone i was. u could say my love was like a battlefield. i felt so alone because no one could possibly understand what i was going through, no one could truly understand how i was feeling, no one could really understand my problems and sufferings. i was completely alone in this journey and seeing 'normal' people around me reminded me of that. i remember around valentines day last year, i had to keep a straight face while people were telling me their fabulous, romantic plans or complaints about their love life, when really i was dying on the inside. i felt jealous, useless, down, alone. i didnt want to feel those awful things anymore. i had to convince myself, though it is an ongoing process, that i was, in fact, not alone. though they couldnt fully understand my struggle, i had so many loving, caring people around me who were doing all they could to be there for me, and for now that would have to be enough. now when i see someone, im reminded that even if the universe is falling apart around me, even if the world as i know is no more, even if the sky is falling down, im not alone, i have you.