Saturday, March 12, 2011

Chasing pavements

I know a evil secret. Most of you won't like it, but I have kept it inside long enough. The world is a scary place. People hide behind phrases like "Don't worry, It will be ok," "it's all part of God's plan" and the worst quote, "Everything happens for a reason", instead of accepting the reality that we live in a cruel world. Awful things don't happen for any reason in particular, they just happen, and it sucks. When we are younger, we are told a lot of things, but we aren't told about how sad life can be. We believe that people are invincible, the world is infallible, and as Louie Armstrong would have us believe, the world is in fact, wonderful. As we grow up, we learn that bad things happen to bad people, but that seems justified to us. As we grow older, and as tragedy hits closer and closer to home, we have the harsh realization, that bad things happen to good people, and everything we thought true in the world is irrevocably turned upside down. Love, happiness, friends, and family are the things that make life worth living. But to enjoy those privileges, we signed an unspoken agreement with God and the Devil that awful things might randomly happen to us or our loved ones. I hate how unfair that is. You know, before my stroke, "hate" wasn't even part of my vocabulary, but now it screams from every inch of my body. I hate that all the clothes I was so excited to have 2 years ago will be out of fashion by the time I get better. I hate that I see my favorite pair of high heels every day on our shoe rack, and I realize I may never wear them again. I hate that I haven't been to my bedroom in over 2 years, because I can't walk upstairs, let alone walk. I hate that my parents have to waste so much time and money on therapy that only gets me a tiny tiny tiny bit better. I hate that I only get to see my friends two or three times a year if I am lucky. I hate that I recently had to tell my Duke Medical School friends, after a fit of tears, that I couldn't come watch them graduate( I was supposed to graduate with them in May), because I wouldn't be able to handle being there. I hate that I have had to put all my hopes and dreams aside as well as all my dancing and partying(but that's ok, the club can't even handle me right now). I hate that I don't even remember what genuine happiness feels like. I hate my life. There, I said it. I think saying it is the first step to accepting it, and maybe, eventually changing it. As J.K. Rowling said in her Harvard Commencement speech, it was rock bottom that formed the most stable platform on which she rebuilt her life. It's so easy to say "She is strong, so it will be ok, she is fighting through it", but I get so frustrated everyday because my reality is so hard and the world had forced me to hit rock bottom. Every month when everything seems hard and hopeless, I tell myself "Maybe next month will be better" and so I keep fighting. Sometimes I feel like a dog chasing its tail. It keeps running because it thinks it is getting closer to its goal. But it just ends up being a silly animal running around in circles, never reaching the end. Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere? I think I will have to continue hiding behind another phrase, "Maybe next month will be better", and so I keep fighting.