Friday, September 17, 2010
back to the ever pressing, ever infamous, ever mysterious question of WHY?! why why why did this happen to me? maybe if i ask enough, i'll get an answer... i had enough good karma in me to start a car, no, a truck, but the arguably worst thing in the world happened to me anyway. everything i believed to be true in the world, was absolutely false. now im just left with enough bitterness to fly a plane. maybe it was because i needed a second chance at life? ive thought about this question over and over, and given the chance to lead my life differently, i wouldnt change a single freaking thing about my life (except maybe i would wear more purple... i recently decided purple is the new pink.) i was living the dream. i was pursuing my goal of becoming a doctor, i was close to my family, i had a full social life, and i was happy. i have considered every possible outcome of all this, from going down in science history to becoming a world renowned author, and nothing, i mean NOTHING, could happen that would even slightly make this worth it. even if i become a billionaire, on the cover of forbes magazine, smiling next to oprah and the queen, (what up oprah!), still, this wouldnt be worth enduring at all. sigh. i have no doubt good will come of this, but no lesson or outcome will satisfy the question of why... so ive given up on asking that question. maybe, if im not going to gain anything from this, you all can gain something from this? sounds weird but it is kind of fitting. my whole entire life was always dedicated to other people, my family, friends, people i served. and now this suffering might all be for other people. my story might help advance the health field, my story can provide hope to patients in similar situations, and hopefully my story can motivate you all. it gives all this suffering some meaning, right? now, immediately after a tragedy hits close to home, people realize 'wow, life is short,' 'carpe diem,' 'live life to the fullest,' etc, but people soon forget their new found epiphanies, so i wont really motivate you by telling you that. instead i'll share with you all something diana told me succinctly and powerfully at a tailgate in '06, "MAN UP!!" seriously, if i can somehow handle or deal with my awful situation, you all have no excuse not to deal with the problems or obstacles in your way. basically, if i can do it, you can do it. MAN UP. as coach taylor says on the best show ever, friday night lights, 'clear eyes, full hearts, cant lose.' if i wont lose, you wont lose.