Saturday, May 28, 2011

Don't you, forget about me

Everyone is moving on, and I'm still standing still. Everyone is out conquering the world, but the world is still conquering me. Everyone is living their lives, but I still am struggling to have a life. Part of me is happy that all my friends and family are insanely successful, but it makes being here at home really lonely. I'm scared that with everyone moving on, they will forget about me. I don't always hear from people, so maybe some of them have already forgotten about me. I don't think I'm really forgettable, and maybe people are too busy or too scared to be in my life, but isn't that just as bad? It still leaves me feeling alone. I mean, I don't blame people. If I was living my life successfully, I would be hard presssed to stop and turn around to look back at a friend I left behind. I know my story is really sad, so maybe it's hard for people to even think about it because it's just too sad. But when people visit me, I am so overcome with happiness to see them that I'm all smiles and ignore that big elephant in the room. Most of the time, I try to put on a happy face when people are around, well, some of the time. Now I don't talk about this much because it is kind of humiliating. But when I had the stroke, I lost the ability to inhibit my emotions(Pseudobulbar affect). So, even if something is a little bit funny, I laugh, and if something is a little sad, I cry. If I get a little frustrated, I also cry. When I start crying in front of someone, I then get mad at myself, which makes me cry more. Then I get scared that I'm scaring them away, and that makes me cry even more. So it's an awful cycle that I try my hardest to fight. The last thing I want to do is scare people away. It has slowly gotten better, but it's still another obstacle I am forced to deal with. But i don't need people to visit me, i just want people to know it's still me. I want people to be comfortable enough to just email me or just send me a little message. I know that is hard because i type slowly, so i don't always reply. But i'm there and i'm listening. I am amazed at the strength, loyalty, and care some of my friends show me on a daily basis. I can't believe they can face me with all my sad problems, and actually be there for me. I am so surprised by their bravery in standing by my side and supporting me. Like Rajul, for example, who is my number one fan, supporter, cheerleader, and angel(it is funny because I think she fulfilled that role long before my stroke). Or Chaya, who is strong enough to talk to me about some of the hard stuff and shares with me her concerns as well as her love. Or Nisha, who makes feel like I'm the only girl in the world, hehe. But for
real, she shows me endless happiness, fun, and love. Or my wifey, aka Krishna, who is always there to share everything with me. Or many, many more unbelievable friends. Or my brother, Anand, who is my ultimate best friend and hero. I need them in my life to remind me I'm not alone. I need them in my life to remind me that things will get better. I need them in my life to remind me that I am still needed. And most of all, to prevent what I'm most scared about, I need them in my life to make sure I don't forget myself.