Thursday, May 20, 2010
i watched movies all the time in the hospital. they served as a distraction, an escape from the horrid reality, and they made me happy, well, most of the time... so one day, i was watching the movie sex and the city 1, and at the end when (spoiler alert) big proposes to carrie with the pretty manolos in that gorgeous, giant closet, i started sobbing. but i wasnt crying like i normally do with sappy movies, i was literally sobbing. carrie finally had her happy ending, and i wanted mine. it was/is so incredibly unfair. i think becoming paralyzed in any way is the worst fate imaginable. i completely lost the life i once had. taking away something someone had that was essential to every part of their life is brutal. there is nothing happy about it and no real ending. now if i had been unable to use my legs from birth, i wouldnt know what it feels like to run past the duke chapel or feel the thrill of dancing on stage, so i couldnt miss it. you couldnt take a life away from me that i never had. but i did have a hell of a life. now i cant even go to school or see my friends much. and there is definitely no running or dancing. some might say being diagnosed with a terminal illness is worse. while it definitely is hard, at least there is an ending. this is like a never ending struggle where you are cursed to remember eveyday the life you once had. Dante once said, "There is no greater woe than in misery to remember the happy time." So memories can sometimes lift you up, while other times they bring you down. But just when you think your life is doomed, happy things can surprise you. I want to leave you all with a story that was really powerful for me. Its the best kind of story, it's a love story. It's about a love that is unbreakable, like Devdas and Paro, brave like Romeo and Juliet, and happy like Big and Carrie. Okay, so once upon a time, there was a boy and a girl. They met in high school, and started dating. They dated for about a year, but things didn't work out, so they broke up. Then about a year later, he had a terrible accident. He broke his neck, and was paralyzed from the neck down. He was in and out of the hospital for seven years and had undergone many surgeries. He remains paralyzed, but has some use of his arms. About 2 years ago, after the boy and girl hadn't seen each other in 8 years, they saw each other at a bar. They started talking and now 2 years later, they are madly in love and on the way to a happy marriage. They realized they were soulmates. I have never met them, but I'm sure they are both incredible people, brave enough to embrace their love, strong enough to hold on to their love, and smart enough to see what fate had in store for them. I realized that happy things, no, wonderful things can happen to people who have had bad strokes or streaks of luck.
Friday, May 7, 2010
WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!?! after the question of 'what' came the question of 'why' which will probably take up a few posts since i still havent found a proper answer. since many people find answers in religion so lets start there. i was a pretty religious person, and my moms family was the most religious family you would ever come across, so obviously i was kind of too. i had been to temples all over the world, went on various pilgramages, fasted ever so often, bathed in the ganges river (ew who does that?! haha babu), and prayed everyday for me and my familys health and happiness. now, what good did any of that do? i received the opposite of my measly request. now lets look deeper at the beliefs of hinduism. so i think most people of every religion follow the rules of karma, if you do whats right and fulfill everything asked of you, good things will happen to you. so thats what i had lived by, good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. so i was a good daughter, a good sister, a good hindu, a good girlfriend, a good friend, a good student, a good person. i was all set to live a good life. but then i had to learn the hard way - bad things happen to good people. since hindus believe in reincarnation, it has been mentioned that maybe im paying for something from my last life. well wow, i must have been someone terrible in my last life, someone like lord voldemort! but really, i cant think of anyone terrible enough to deserve this fate. another popular theory is that of the evil eye. i hate this one. it basically says the jealousy from other people can bring bad luck to good things in a persons life. call me naiive, but i believe people are inherently good and cant cause bad things in others lives. the last theory is that maybe god let this happen, but is now helping me on this road to recovery. but this road has been paved with pain and suffering so far. i may have great people in my life, but they cant be there when push comes to shove. i dont see the merciful hand of god in any of this, yet. so, you can understand my frustration with this whole religion thing. so as you can imagine, god and i arent on speaking terms right now. the only thing i do religously is watch gilmore girls everyday and the closest thing i have to a god or someone i listen to is uncle jesse, my brother, or nisha mukherjee. when all else fails, the one person that i can still trust, that i can still follow, that i can still listen to, is myself. so welcome to the religion of harshada. we have no rituals and no rules, no prophets and no gods, no bibles and no churches, just one, little belief that gets me through everyday - though today might be terrible, the sun will come out tomorrow.