Time after time

Time after time-Javier colon

I'm scared...terrifed...lost...cconfused...nervous...and worried, really worried, about something everyone worries about, but, argueably, I have a lot more at stake...I am scared about my future. After many doctors told me I would eventually get better,my burning question was “When?” All of them would say the same thing, time after time, “I don’t know, it will take time.” That answer infuriated me, but at the same time I felt that this answer was protecting me. I so badly wanted an answer to that one question that was drowning me, but I was scared to hear an answer I didn’t like. I was scared they would tell me 20 or 30 years or maybe they would say 3 or 4 years, I didn’t have any idea, I still don’t know. So I started to hang on to every time limit my family members would say in passing. First, it was 6 months. I thought I can do 6 months.. I really believed I would be better in 6 months, believed it with all my heart, even though after 5 months, my muscles were barely working, I was still believing some divine intervention or miracle would come and fix me before 6 months. But it didn't, and I was crushed. My hope, my world, my universe came crashing down with a vengeance and took my spirit along with it. But I woke up the next morning, gathered myself, and started all over again, all my hope back at ground zero, ready to be built back up again...only to come crashing down again in 6 more months, and every mîlestone after that until I woke up this morning and realized it had been 2.5 years. And still no miracle. Time after time, I am disappointed..How much freaking 'time' does my body need!?!? I thought maybe I could find some answers online... Big mistake. All I found were details on other young stroke survivors who didnt have half as much damage as me and were perfectly fine in a few months or details on other locked-in syndrome patients who were dead in a few months. It has been 30 months and I'm far from being 'perfectly fine' or dead... So what the hell?!?! Had I run out of time to be fine again or am I just a breath away from death? So many awful questions about my future. I want my future to be happy, I want to fall in love, I want to get married, I want to have kids and raise a family, I want to become a doctor, i just want to be happy. They are such simple dreams, but right now, they feel impossible, like they are on another planet, in another universe. Is life even worth living if you can't pursue these basic dreams? I've totally missed out on life enough already! I'm in my 20's, the prime of my life. I should be out with my friends, partying and dancing; instead I'm always at home, drowning in a pool of constant humiliation, loneliness, and fear. Time after time, day after day, nightmare after nightmare, I always, always fear my future. Most of the time, I try to focus on the present, and keep fighting, but it's always at the back of my mind, silently eating away at my spirit. So I desperately want an answer to the question "When?!" but I only want to hear an answer I like and I'm terrified to hear an answer that will demolish my dreams for the future. So will my future hold my dreams or my nightmares, will it hold good luck or bad luck? You know what, eff that, I'll make my own luck.