Wednesday, March 31, 2010
living on a prayer
'dont worry, she will be fine in two months.' these were the outrageous words that were told to me by family members everyday. these were the words meant to comfort me and ease my mind, but instead, they enraged me. these were the impossible words that had absolutely no reason or logic behind it, nor any explanation along with it. but, these were also the words that saved my life... my family was told this in late december from someone they trusted and respected. and thats all they needed, they were convinced, i was going to be fine by the end of february. so everytime i cried, everytime i felt hopeless, they tried to console me with these words, but these words only made me cry more. i hated hearing them because they were so wild and farfetched and quite impossible. these words made absolutely no sense and they werent based on anything real. i was so angry that people could believe arbitrary words so blindly. i wasnt only angry, i was also so jealous. it seemed so easy for them to just believe. my mind could be at peace if i just believed, instead, my scared, curious mind was destroying me. but a teeny, tiny part of me wondered what if it were true?!? if everyone in my family kept repeating these words confidently, why wouldnt they be true? the thought was a tease, but it was an exciting thought. it would be magical, miraculous, amazing to have my life back. that little, tiny part of me gave me hope, enough hope to get me to february. january came and went and by mid february, i was still pretty much still paralyzed. maybe there was slight movement in my neck and left arm, but there was nothing 'fine' about me. i knew this 'prophecy' couldnt come true, but still that little part of me, prayed and hoped for a miracle. but there was no miracle. it was february 28th, and i wasnt 'fine' at all. but something magical HAD happened. in the last couple of weeks, my therapists had discovered more movement. i could move some muscle in each one of my limbs! it was all coming back to me now, i knew it, i felt it. so maybe i wasnt technically 'fine', but now, i KNEW one day i would be. one day, someone will tell me, 'dont worry, you will be fine in two months,' and i will. i guess thats why they call these things a leap of faith. its a leap where there is no net of logic and reason to break your fall, you can only leap and hope your feet finally hit the ground, or in my case, your feet finally...moved.