Tuesday, September 1, 2009
dont stop believing
i know what everyone wants to hear - that im so glad this happened to me, that i have learned so much from this experience, that i wouldnt trade this for anything... that couldnt be farther from the truth. i dont care if you hear that on oprah, its a bunch of bs. i HATE that this happened to me, i havent learned anything from this (except maybe how little i learned from med school), and i would trade this for anything. because this is, to put it lightly, hell. everyday since my injury has been awful. but by far, the icu was the worst. i ended up spending 16 hellish days in the icu, 5 horrible months in the rehab hospital, and now im at home with a better tv, better food, and better surroundings but same old problems. i remember one of my first days in the icu, visiting hours just ended and i was left alone again. it had been an awful day already. i had just spent 45 minutes tryinsg to tell my parents that the nurses had put my abdominal binder on way too tightly and the edges were digging into my skin (try explaining that with your eyes). i was frustrated. i was angry. iwas depressed. i was hopeless. iwas so alone. life seemed so unfair and i didnt want to live in a world that was that unfair... and then i heard a familiar voice. i didnt know who it was, but it was def someone i knew. after some machine stopped beeping, i heard the voice say, "she has been my best friend since middle school." thats it! it was ruchi. i wanted to call out her name,or wave at her or smile at her, something to let her know i heard her and appreciated her visit. even though i didnt talk to her, i was so surprised and so touched by her visit. her accidental visit reminded me why i was still here. i had so many people who i loved, but they loved me too. i had so many people who made it worth it to live in this unfair world. i had to believe there was some purpose to all of this. i had to believe iwould get through this. i had to believe that one day, i will look back, and be glad that this happened to me. i had to believe that i will learn something from this. i have to believe that one day, i wont want to trade this for anything. i just had to believe. if not for me, for you.