Saturday, August 29, 2009
if these eyes could talk
i was defined and confined by my eyes. they were the only muscles in my entire body, besides my heart, that worked. my eyes had to speak for me, smile for me, cry for me, and scream for me. after some trial and error, i was told to look up for yes and down for no. that was my only form of communication for months. it killed me so much to look into baldeeps eyes, hear him say 'i love you' and only able to respond 'yes' with my eyes. my eyes were useless when it came to vision because i couldnt look left or right and i didnt wear my glasses much in the icu and you guys know im pretty much blind with out them, so i learned to rely on my ears a lot. i could hear the nurses coming in and out and changing something or the other on one of the many machines i was hooked up to. i could hear the whistling of the janitor every morning who cleaned the floor. i remember wishing with all my strength to trade places with them. i was so jealous of them because everything seemed so easy for them like walking and talking. i didnt understand why i was the one lying in bed and they were the ones taking care of me. i was absolutely helpless. the nurses would position my legs and some positions would kill, but i had no way of telling them that. so i would just pray that visiting hours would begin soon and my parents would come. then i would show them somehow an uncomfortable expression with just my eyes or maybe i sent a telepathic message to my mom, who knows, but regardless, my parents could tell something was bothering me. then we would begin a 10 minute guessing game about 'what was bothering harshada'. hot? cold? arms? stomach? i would answer 'yes' or 'no' with my eyes. its like in pictionary, when you think you have a great drawing, but your teammates keep guessing wrong because they have no idea what youre thinking. your teammates feel bad because they cant figure out the answer and you get so frustrated and you just want to yell out the answer but you cant. there is so much i wanted to yell out but couldnt. there is only so much my eyes could say. i would have told baldeep i loved him so much too and told my family thank you so much for always being by my side. but i couldnt. the only way i could sleep at night was knowing that they could already see in my eyes, all the things i wanted to say.