Saturday, November 6, 2010
Here I go again on my own
april 30, 2009. i had been dreading this day for months. i couldnt believe this inevitable day was approaching rapidly. i was hoping time would just slow down just a little. but april 30 regretably came, and i had to leave the hospital and go home...most people would be so thrilled to go home especially after 5 whole months in the freaking hospital, but i wasnt most people...the hospital was like a buffer, a refuge from the real world. you were supposed to be sick in a hospital. i knew and feared the fact that i would be going from a sick girl at the hospital to a disabled girl at home. (the former implies a more temporary state, the latter sounds worse). the reality of how different my life was going to be came crashing down like a wave that engulfed me and left me drowning in fears. the renovations to our house, the hired helpers, all the new equipment we needed... going home was making me feel the full, horrible longterm effects of a stroke. and the nightmare i had in the ICU began teasing me with its inevitability: becoming a burden at home...but i went home, and i didnt become a burden. i did hate being a stroke victim in the real world, but i also discovered the perks of being home. but i also discovered the worst part of moving home. i became alone. in the hospital, there were at least 60 other patients who could somewhat understand what i was going through, and nurses and doctors had to be there around the clock. in this new world everyone got to leave my reality, except me. in the hospital, i seemed to be in more serious danger, so i got cards, flowers and visitors everyday. but my 'honeymoon' period was over. my family went back to work, my friends went back to school, and i was left behind...i know people want to be there, but everyone has to move on and get back to their own lives. everyone gets to leave this. people get to literally and figuratively leave this. you can even stop reading this if it gets too heavy. but I can't stop living this . my every second , my every minute , my every hour , my every day, this is my reality. the only constant in my life, is me. only now, stronger and braver than before. and as biggie said, "I'm living life without fear" this is my battle, and i'm fighting it fearlessly.