a long december

so let me pause from my story because i wanted to quickly bring up something thats been on my mind and maybe some of yours. so its been a year, actually exactly a year sunday. never did i ever imagine that after a whole year, i would still be in a wheelchair, that i would still be barely moving, and that i would still be barely talking. but never did i ever imagine that within just a year, i wasnt supposed to be alive. so i have MUCH to be thankful for, but much holding me back from being happy with the life ive been lucky enough to lead. the fact that i even can celebrate another birthday is truly a blessing, but the thought of celebrating another birthday 'handicapped' is nauseating...and another christmas... and another new years. this will be a long month, many days to celebrate, but not many reasons that put me in a celebration mood. so you might be wondering, has this all been worth it? if you asked me last week, i wouldve said hell no. 365 days of hell for what? more hell? but if you asked me that today, i would say hell yes. i have done some thinking this week, and i realized that i still have some rare but amazing moments that make this all worth it. like when my brother said something outrageous that made me laugh until my sides hurt, or when setu sang for us my favorite song and her beautiful voice gave me chills, or when the love of my life fell asleep for hours in my lap as we relaxed through a random monday afternoon. in those moments, i was truly and purely happy. i cant remember all the times i told myself to hold onto these moments as they pass. granted, before my injury, those moments were every moment, and now they are more rare but they are still there. maybe this month and this year will have more of those moments. maybe this year will be better than the last.... now the question is, 525,600 minutes, 8,760 hours, 365 days, or 1 year from now, where will i be?