hold my hand

i remember back in the first day of anatomy lab, it wasnt the eyes or the face of the cadaver that caught my eye, it was the hands that bothered me most. they looked so human and lifelike, but they were eerily limp and lifeless. i was reminded of that image when i looked at my hands lying still and motionless on the bed. its as if they were dead. they didnt even seem like part of me because no matter how much i focused and concentrated on them, they remained motionless. i remember holding the cadavers hand, it was so surreal, it looked so real, but it didnt hold me back. that is how i felt all the time. whether it was my nurse, my doctor, my mom, or my friend, i felt the warmth and support as the held my hand, but i couldnt hold them back. i felt dead. i woke up a couple mornings so incredibly excited because my dream, that felt so real, was about being able to text again! (only i would have a dream like that!) but every morning i would wake up, look down at my hands, and realize they were still dead. something needed to change. but i had been in the hospital for over two months now, and nothing had really changed, so they started preparing us to leave. they started teaching my mom how to feed me medicine through my PEG tube and teaching my dad how to transfer me with the massive hoyer lift. i cant even describe to you the anger, humiliation, and horror i felt. i had told myself in the ICU that i would rather die before i was a burden at home. this was all unbearable. but then, my left arm magically woke up. i woke up one morning with a weird feeling i had never felt before. i felt the tiniest bit of power, strength, activity in my left arm. my therapist sarah confirmed that yes, my triceps muscle in my left arm was awake, and i knew the other muscles in my left arm would come back. i was waking up, coming back from the dead, and i was happy for the first time in awhile. still, sometimes i wonder what it would it be like if I were dead and still sometimes, i feel like im dead, but with this mind racing, and this heart beating, im definitely still alive, and now, if you hold my hand, i can hold back.

ps - 'things will get better if you just hold my hand' (right jay?)

stand by me

That one night in the ICU I was depressed, alone, and scared, but then I heard Ruchi's voice and everything changed. I realized that there were other people out there who cared for me. I was reminded that there were other people to look forward to seeing. I remembered I actually had friends. i could probably write a whole book about how awesome my friends have been, but i will first share with you all some of the stories from the first few months. so this first story has to do with the title of this blog. so pretty much every night laju and i were in boston, we sang this song at the top of our lungs. we loved this song( and even jokingly promised to sing it at each others weddings - btw we both have awful voices) not only for the lyrics and beat, but quietly we knew it was what we meant to say to each other. so, the night before my 24th birthday, when i was still in the ICU, my family decided to allow friends to see me starting the next day. so baldeep got in touch with two of my friends, rajiv and laju. when baldeep told laju that she could come see me, she started crying. before he could figure out what she was saying, she had already booked her flight for the next morning to come see me on my birthday. 'no i wont, be afraid, just as long as you stand, stand by me...' it was friends who kept me going everyday. through countless letters, visits, cards, and flowers, i was reminded that they were there for me.ruchi came almost everyday, to talk about life and love, or to watch anoop desai on american idol, or to just show me her latest shopping. my med school friends, led by nisha and rajiv, came almost every weekend and always brought kind words and good gossip. some drove a terribly long way to the hospital in charlotte like raj and ankur, and some even flew, like megan and chaya. i kept telling myself i was SO lucky to have friends who cared that much. i was humbled and honored by getting visits from people who barely knew me, like helen, to people who knew me so well, like my first ever friend cliff.i also got some of the greatest inspiration from letters from the strongest person i know, rajul, and some of the greatest insight from the biggest clown/ most faithful friend i know,amit. I wish I could recognize everyone, but I hope you all know that all your loving visits and amazing words meant so much to me. u know the song, 'just call my name, and i'll be there.' well, i didnt have to call anyones name, they were there all along, standing by me.

64 - 54....

i think that means the music is definitely back on!!! (sorry kunal!)

enough said.


ps - GTHCGTH

falling slowly

i have a secret. ive actually had this secret for most of my life until this terrible injury.i couldnt tell anyone because i thought i would jinx it. i wouldnt even let myself feel it because i thought it would make something bad happen. but its about time i let this secret out. my life was perfect. so magnificently and wonderfully perfect. and i was happy. so unbelievably happy, everyday. of course i had normal ups and downs, but as a whole, i was truly happy. hard work and a LOT of sheer luck kept me floating on cloud nine. things happened that i didnt even imagine, but i was always so thankful. ok i know im being vague, so i will share with you all some events from the last 10 years of my life, so you understand the dialogue, though i feel very odd and awkward telling you all this. so i think my peak began my senior year of high school. i was senior class president, voted to homecoming court, was at the top of my class, and graduated with a choice of going to harvard, princeton, or duke on a full ride. it was seriously unreal. everyday i was like 'really? is this really happening to me?! then i went to duke where i had the time of my life (just ask laju, arup, ankur or pretty much anyone at Duke from 03 to 07!) and i graduated summa cum laude and phi beta kappa, whatever those letters mean. then i was off to medical school at duke, which was difficult, but i was absolutely loving every minute. i was on my way to fulfilling my dream! i had come so far, nothing could stop me now, right? i had a wonderful family, Baldeep - my unbelievable boyfriend, amazing friends, good grades, a fabulous apartment, i could keep going, but basically i was on top of the world. but, i knew my perfect, little world couldnt last forever. i knew the luck i had for 23 years was bound to run out. i had a deep, dark feeling something bad would happen. something bad, not at all something terrible, awful, atrocious. i was thinking something along the lines of carrie bradshaw getting mugged and getting her purse and manolos (shoes) stolen! never in my wildest dreams would i ever imagine something like this happening. so i leave you all with a question that i have been going back and forth on, is it a crime to be truly happy?

for sarah and dave!

(ok quick pause from the story) probably only other therapists would understand the significance of this, but on thursday, i walked the length of the parallel bars! dave was at the back helping with my trunk, sarah was at the front helping at my knees, and brandi was letting me squeeze her hand. sorry sarah for my uncontrollable hands that kept hitting you! it took almost an hour, and i was pretty parched after, but it was awesome, i'll take it! one step at a time...

the day the music died

i remember this terrible day like it was yesterday. it was a cold, winter day. by the end of the day, my smiles had disappeared, and my laughter was gone, and all that was left was depression. it was an awful day, a horrible day, a disappointing day... it was february 11th....the day duke lost to carolina in cameron indoor. the whole morning of the game, i proudly wore my 'duke cameron crazy' shirt, which definitely stood out amidst an overwhelming sea of carolina blue. and EVERYONE had something to say to me, because i was the only duke fan around for miles. so other patients, therapists, doctors all talked smack to me, knowing quite well that i couldnt speak and defend myself or my school. how insensitive! typical unc fans...(kidding! it was all in good fun!) i was relieved to see dr. m that day, sporting his duke tie, the only other duke apparel i saw all day. i had to watch the game in my gross, dingy hospital room, on a tiny, ANCIENT tv-it was a miracle everytime it managed to turn on. i had always associated this game with being with good friends and cheering our hearts out. whether we were actually in cameron watching it ( UNBELIEVABLE experience btw) or at a bar with a with some duke fans (shiv would scare away any unc fans) or if i was stuck in the sub-basement of the library studying with my best friend laju and we were forced to watch the game on a laptop on espn.com, the game always came with great memories. this time, though my brother had to work early the next morning, i begged him to stay because i couldnt bear watching it alone. in retrospect, we would have been better off not watching it! i remember pleading with the basketball gods, saying that since nothing had gone my way this year, maybe they could help duke win. they clearly had NO sympathy for me because we lost both games and carolina went on to be national champions! the day after the game, since i lost a bet with my therapist, i had to wear a carolina hat! who knows what will happen this year... all i know is that even though the nurses must have pricked me over a million times, and my blood always came out bright red, i still swear i bleed duke blue...

play that funky music white boy

you all must be wondering why every title of my blog entries is the name of a song - well there IS a reason for that.the ONLY part of my body that wasnt affected by this stroke, the only part that remained completely untouched, the only part that was functioning normally, that part was my ears.my eyes had lost their peripheral vision, my nose was hypersensitive to scents, and obviously, every muscle in my body was totally ruined, so that left my ears. they gave me my most powerful possession - listening. when i couldnt see the world around me or talk to the world around me, i could listen. and i didnt miss anything. from the whispers of the wind, to the conversations across the room, i heard it all, and ever since i remember opening my eyes in the ICU, there has been music. through every, single memory i have, i always remember there being music. when my eyes werent strong enough to watch tv, my family would have to leave me all alone in the ICU, where all i could hear were my thoughts, but i was never really alone - john legend, beyonce, a.r. rahman, and countless others were always singing in the background. i also became attached to cd's people had given me like nishas beyonce cd that i must have listened to everyday. then there was pooravs cd, which had all the latest hindi songs so my parents would put it on every chance they got (the cd stopped working after awhile because we played it so much!) then there was howie's unforgettable cd which had everything from songs from love actually to some of jason mraz's songs, and it soon became a favorite of family, friends, and therapists. i loved music because every song carried with it a memory. whether they were songs on howie's cd that were making new, wonderful memories,or songs on a cd my cousin ajay made for me, though i hadnt heard them before, they carried with them his memories, or songs on a cd arup gave me that reminded me of all the great memories i had from college. my ears were tickled by the whispers of the counting crows and maroon 5, my soul was awakened by their lyrics, and my heart was pounding to the beat of the music, because as long as i had my music, i had my memories.