hold my hand

i remember back in the first day of anatomy lab, it wasnt the eyes or the face of the cadaver that caught my eye, it was the hands that bothered me most. they looked so human and lifelike, but they were eerily limp and lifeless. i was reminded of that image when i looked at my hands lying still and motionless on the bed. its as if they were dead. they didnt even seem like part of me because no matter how much i focused and concentrated on them, they remained motionless. i remember holding the cadavers hand, it was so surreal, it looked so real, but it didnt hold me back. that is how i felt all the time. whether it was my nurse, my doctor, my mom, or my friend, i felt the warmth and support as the held my hand, but i couldnt hold them back. i felt dead. i woke up a couple mornings so incredibly excited because my dream, that felt so real, was about being able to text again! (only i would have a dream like that!) but every morning i would wake up, look down at my hands, and realize they were still dead. something needed to change. but i had been in the hospital for over two months now, and nothing had really changed, so they started preparing us to leave. they started teaching my mom how to feed me medicine through my PEG tube and teaching my dad how to transfer me with the massive hoyer lift. i cant even describe to you the anger, humiliation, and horror i felt. i had told myself in the ICU that i would rather die before i was a burden at home. this was all unbearable. but then, my left arm magically woke up. i woke up one morning with a weird feeling i had never felt before. i felt the tiniest bit of power, strength, activity in my left arm. my therapist sarah confirmed that yes, my triceps muscle in my left arm was awake, and i knew the other muscles in my left arm would come back. i was waking up, coming back from the dead, and i was happy for the first time in awhile. still, sometimes i wonder what it would it be like if I were dead and still sometimes, i feel like im dead, but with this mind racing, and this heart beating, im definitely still alive, and now, if you hold my hand, i can hold back.

ps - 'things will get better if you just hold my hand' (right jay?)

stand by me

That one night in the ICU I was depressed, alone, and scared, but then I heard Ruchi's voice and everything changed. I realized that there were other people out there who cared for me. I was reminded that there were other people to look forward to seeing. I remembered I actually had friends. i could probably write a whole book about how awesome my friends have been, but i will first share with you all some of the stories from the first few months. so this first story has to do with the title of this blog. so pretty much every night laju and i were in boston, we sang this song at the top of our lungs. we loved this song( and even jokingly promised to sing it at each others weddings - btw we both have awful voices) not only for the lyrics and beat, but quietly we knew it was what we meant to say to each other. so, the night before my 24th birthday, when i was still in the ICU, my family decided to allow friends to see me starting the next day. so baldeep got in touch with two of my friends, rajiv and laju. when baldeep told laju that she could come see me, she started crying. before he could figure out what she was saying, she had already booked her flight for the next morning to come see me on my birthday. 'no i wont, be afraid, just as long as you stand, stand by me...' it was friends who kept me going everyday. through countless letters, visits, cards, and flowers, i was reminded that they were there for me.ruchi came almost everyday, to talk about life and love, or to watch anoop desai on american idol, or to just show me her latest shopping. my med school friends, led by nisha and rajiv, came almost every weekend and always brought kind words and good gossip. some drove a terribly long way to the hospital in charlotte like raj and ankur, and some even flew, like megan and chaya. i kept telling myself i was SO lucky to have friends who cared that much. i was humbled and honored by getting visits from people who barely knew me, like helen, to people who knew me so well, like my first ever friend cliff.i also got some of the greatest inspiration from letters from the strongest person i know, rajul, and some of the greatest insight from the biggest clown/ most faithful friend i know,amit. I wish I could recognize everyone, but I hope you all know that all your loving visits and amazing words meant so much to me. u know the song, 'just call my name, and i'll be there.' well, i didnt have to call anyones name, they were there all along, standing by me.

64 - 54....

i think that means the music is definitely back on!!! (sorry kunal!)

enough said.


ps - GTHCGTH

falling slowly

i have a secret. ive actually had this secret for most of my life until this terrible injury.i couldnt tell anyone because i thought i would jinx it. i wouldnt even let myself feel it because i thought it would make something bad happen. but its about time i let this secret out. my life was perfect. so magnificently and wonderfully perfect. and i was happy. so unbelievably happy, everyday. of course i had normal ups and downs, but as a whole, i was truly happy. hard work and a LOT of sheer luck kept me floating on cloud nine. things happened that i didnt even imagine, but i was always so thankful. ok i know im being vague, so i will share with you all some events from the last 10 years of my life, so you understand the dialogue, though i feel very odd and awkward telling you all this. so i think my peak began my senior year of high school. i was senior class president, voted to homecoming court, was at the top of my class, and graduated with a choice of going to harvard, princeton, or duke on a full ride. it was seriously unreal. everyday i was like 'really? is this really happening to me?! then i went to duke where i had the time of my life (just ask laju, arup, ankur or pretty much anyone at Duke from 03 to 07!) and i graduated summa cum laude and phi beta kappa, whatever those letters mean. then i was off to medical school at duke, which was difficult, but i was absolutely loving every minute. i was on my way to fulfilling my dream! i had come so far, nothing could stop me now, right? i had a wonderful family, Baldeep - my unbelievable boyfriend, amazing friends, good grades, a fabulous apartment, i could keep going, but basically i was on top of the world. but, i knew my perfect, little world couldnt last forever. i knew the luck i had for 23 years was bound to run out. i had a deep, dark feeling something bad would happen. something bad, not at all something terrible, awful, atrocious. i was thinking something along the lines of carrie bradshaw getting mugged and getting her purse and manolos (shoes) stolen! never in my wildest dreams would i ever imagine something like this happening. so i leave you all with a question that i have been going back and forth on, is it a crime to be truly happy?