silent night

i got REALLY used to silence. awkward silences, painful silences, and frustrating silences. i had just come to the hospital where i would spend the next 5 months, or 136 days and i couldnt talk to anyone. i was with the same nurses 24-7 as they helped me get ready, gave me my medicine,
and brought me my food, but they didnt know anything about me passed my name. if i could have have talked to them, i would have asked them how their day was going and how their kids were doing. most of all, i would have thanked them, for each and every little thing i had to do, from making my hair to making me laugh (thank you dia). then there were my therapists, aka the miracle workers, who i spent most of the day with. i had gotten to know them so well, like their birthdays, their college stories, how they met their husbands, everything, but they knew nothing about me. i wanted to tell them my crazy stories, that i loved dancing more than anything, that i had stdied abroad in spain, that i loved working with kids. i couldnt even tell them what exercises i liked or that certain ones caused my ankle to twist causing severe pain. i couldnt even smile at anyone, so i couldnt even interact with anyone, all i could do is cry, and thats what i did. then there were my friends - their visits were the only thing i had to look forward to, but it killed me that i couldnt talk to them. i had a million questions for them swirling around in my head and driving me insane because i couldnt even ask a single one. if i could have spoken, i would have asked them how they were and thanked them for coming. most of all, i would tell them i needed them to come and to keep coming. when baldeep would call, i would be beaming inside, but couldnt even show it. my mom would just hold the phone to my ear and the burden would be on him to talk and think of different stories to tell me. i had so many responses for him, but all i could do was listen, and hope he could feel my heart holding onto his every word. there is nothing more frustrating than being unable to communicate. having so many thoughts trapped in your mind is terrible. there were so many comments i wish i could have said, so many questions i wish i could have asked, and so many thoughts i wish i could have shared, but all you could hear was silence.