no air

just keep breathing... thats all i had to do. little did i know that it would be one of my biggest challenges.i was intubated and on a ventilator for about 2 weeks. they were giving me a sedative they like to call "milk of amnesia" so i dont remember much. thank goodness for that because even the thought of that is terrifying. i saw those kinds of things on shows like ER and greys, but this time there were no actors, no set, no script. i couldnt and still cant believe that in this new show, i was the main character and i was struggling to breathe. i just hoped that like the other shows, it would have a happy ending.after i was extubated, they put in a trach tube. to this day, i cant tell you exactly what a trach is, but i needed it to live. it was a hole that was at the base of my neck that also pierced my trachea which made breathing easier. each shallow breath left me craving more air. every breath felt so delibrate, so forced, so effortful, like i could just stop breathing at any point. i could end this whole nightmare if i just stopped breathing...but i didnt want to stop. for my family, for you, and especially for baldeep. i kept breathing. in the rehab hospital, they immediately started weaning me from the trach, which was def one of the hardest things ive ever had to do. but you know me, my stubborness and determination helped me get through this awful time. as they were slowly closing off my trach, i would feel so breathless and short of breath for hours or days until my body adjusted. its like i was gasping for air and at any point, i was so scared i wouldnt have enough air. i had to remind myself to just keep breathing... but finally came the day they took the trach out! january 1st, 2009 - a great start to the new year. my first big accomplishment. but that night was horrible - my worst night in the hospital. i didnt sleep at all and im sure anand, who was staying with me that night, didnt sleep either. my body was still getting used to breathing just from my nose so i couldnt breathe when the bed was flat to sleep. so i had to sleep sitting up completely, which made it impossible to sleep. i was too scared to call the nurse because the last thing i wanted was to have the trach back in, so i decided to tough it out for the night."just keep breathing" i said to myself about 1000 times that night. and thankfully we made it to morning and every morning after. now all i had left from this experience are a few awful memories and a sweet scar on my neck. so this story did have a happy ending. o when life is too hard for me, when everyday is a struggle, when i cant live, cant breathe with no air, when the world seems too overwhelming, i have to just keep breathing... and the morning will come...